think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
