i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
