when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
