Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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