Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
