I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
