Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
bring money and cleavage
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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