The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
