He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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