a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
