just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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