look no pants
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
