Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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