At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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