So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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