Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
