Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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