Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
