I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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