ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
