Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
