Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
