i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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