It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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