Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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