You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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