Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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