I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
