Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
