dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
