My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
