So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
