Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
