I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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