Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
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I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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