I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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