That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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