What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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