Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
