and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Less talking, more tequila
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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