My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
