The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Someone shattered a urinal.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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