you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
