If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
