Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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