she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
