My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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