I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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