After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
