Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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