sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She even gives head with a lisp.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
