I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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