There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
